here i am again. despite how far i go i always come back, to the pen and paper, rather, the keyboard and finger(s). if there was one thing in my life that was consistent, its writing. writing makes me feel balanced, and connected to god. its been maybe a week or so since ive talked to god. weve been communicating on paper lately, but i think this will be easier to keep track of. if theres one web domain ill keep, itll be the one with my made up name. ive already tried many others, my past thoughts have come and gone, written and deleted, domain expired, new laptop acquired, whatever the circumstance. id like to say this will be it, the final iteration, all my thoughts here, but its that concrete thinking that puts limits on my creativity and flow. so who knows. my god it feels weird to not capitalize or punctuate properly, but ive grown so much i know those things dont matter as much as i thought they did. anyway, here i am god. its me again. for me its been some time, an arbitrary amount because where you are, there is no time. time is but a percieved limit of this realm, but i know the hyperdimensionality i reside in, the retrocausality. some of this water on the table is from the condensation of my coffee glass, some is from my tears. my eyes leak.

so – this is it huh, the consequences of my actions, the cause and effect. i committed to a thing and the thing happened. in a rather short amount of time despite it not ‘feeling’ like it. its august 27, today is a full moon lunar eclipse, totally unplanned btw, i just woke up today and felt like writing. sept 8th will be 3 months for me here in a new city, new job/business, new life, new friends, etc. i did it, i did the thing, now i just keep doing the thing right?

a part of me yearns for the end. when will it be over? how many more things do i have to do? but im not a quitter i wont stop. i feel like so many versions of me have given up, so many parallel universes where i die due to the unwillingness to move forward. what a fucking baby, grow up. no one is coming, its just me. im here, im the whole thing. arrogance or understanding? the evidence all points to hologram simulation, turtles all the way down. but whats outside the turtles? being here is accepting that i may never know. i dont wanna be the lady whos head explodes in indiana jones crystal skull movie because she ‘needs to know!’. i dont need to know, im happy here. if you wanna tell me thats cool but fucking fuck it already i dont give a shit.

im frustrated.i hate when people call me that. its like a puzzle ive been working on for years. billions of years, an eternity. i try to stay positive, think the positive thoughts, follow the positive beliefs, pronoia, life will end with or without intervention, ease and flow. like seth says, i was born into a state of grace and its impossible for me to leave it. i want to believe that, and i guess i do. ive made so many leaps of faith just to get here, letting go of more and more, shedding old weight, beliefs, baggage. i dont want my old life back, im just really excited for this one to feel normal. its been 3 days and i want to be at the finish line. patience.

the pattern app says im not going to feel accomplished for a while, i mean i do, i really do, im really proud of myself, but i know what it means.

so i wanna do an experiment of alignment and bringing things into my life that are intentional. like my own yoga nidra but my own thing, cause like, i can make my own i dont need to follow someone elses, and what matters to me is that mine is intuitive and feels right to me, but can be similar or draw on ideas from others. so like first of all, the school needs to break records, thats something ive wanted from the beginning, and i kinda already have, but like, more. i believe it will.